2006-05-20 - 2:16 p.m.
Thank goodness the semester is coming to a close, as I am running out of tolerance. It is sad to feel so completely drained by my position here. I would like to have a sense of nostalgia instead.
Things have gotten particularly bad with Senior Woman in my department over the past couple of months.
She is determined to take over the lab equipment that I purchased as part of my startup. In this she is not alone, as several faculty members have written letters formally requesting parts of my equipment. One new senior professor, who didn't spend $10k of his money in time and so it was absorbed back into the central budget, actually had the nerve to come and ask me for my glassware. I had to work particularly hard not to lose it when I informed him that, unlike him, my startup funds specifically stipulated that I could not buy any glassware. The body isn't cold yet, and several faculty are sitting like vultures outside my lab door. It is a bit comical (given that I have already removed all equipment that is not up for grabs). But it is also pathetic.
One of the technicians came by to doublecheck my inventory of printers, to make sure that I did not leave with department equipment. I looked at him and nearly laughed. Apparently all of my other new colleagues were given printers when they arrived. Not me.
Mind you, I really do not care what happens to my lab equipment once I am gone, but I would like to use it in peace until that time comes. And this woman's approach has been to twist the truth about her "investment" in my equipment. She provided $550 for chemicals and supplies, in return for 300 analyses run on my equipment, and I trained two of her students. To me this was a friendly and fair business exchange. To her, this means that I and my equipment are now indebted to her, and I am ungrateful because I do not perceive all that she has done to support me.
Her resentment has popped out in other contexts, in that she is deliberately speaking to our mutual colleagues about how I have betrayed her, and about how I am mistreating her. Truthfully, I am at a loss about what I have said or done. I even joined her for coffee with some other students last week, and I thought that the all of us were laughing together. I thought it was rather collegial... The following day she complained about how I was treating her? Public discussions have become downright unpleasant for me to express any opinion, because she will either disagree with it outright, provide a defensive response, or provide another answer that seems intended to demonstrate that she knows more.
Last week she started to use my colleague next door as an intermediary, rather than speaking with me directly. She asked the woman next door if I would provide documentation of my lab equipment to her, and asked why I had not done so already. I advised my next door colleague that it was a bad idea to act as an intermediary. And sat there wondering, at exactly what point had we returned to high school?
My spouse's opinion is that she is afraid of me, which is why she cannot bring herself to speak with me directly. And I can't help thinking that this is the person that half of our department wishes to promote to chair - someone who handles conflict in this manner.
I have thought of approaching her directly about this - with the thought that it would be unpleasant to leave with bad blood. But then I remembered my previous attempts to speak with her directly about problems. Is it really worth my effort to salvage this relationship? As I have already said to her previously, I truly appreciate the things that she did to help me during my few years here. I am not certain that I could handle a conciliatory conversation with her, though, as I really think that she has an inflated estimate of what she has actually accomplished for me. Her view also seems to neglect that collegial relationships are mutual - I have also worked very hard to contribute to our working relationship.
This rocky road is so contrary to what I experience with Julia, the woman working next door. If I think about it, I probably I have done a lot to help her get started at Dutchess. But I certainly do not feel like I have bent over backwards, or that she owes me anything. In fact, the nature of her being my colleague means that I view her as an equal, and I feel that I have learned an incredible amount from her in return, in fact, possibly more than I've given her. That's what I thought academic relationships are supposed to be - a give and take.
Anyway, the long and the short of this all is that I have a very bad taste in my mouth, and it dampens my enthusiasm for going to work. It is unsatisfying to leave a work relationship in this way. I am wondering if there is something else that I could do before I go, such as organize a party and make sure that senior woman is invited. I could even place a card in her mailbox when I leave that says 'thank you.' This would be a little cowardly because I would be avoiding a direct conversation with her..but then again it would be more palatable because I could avoid expressing the more distasteful parts of my true feelings.
Sigh. Academics really are big children.
And now I have to go because the landlords are trying to give us more things..
